If Boundaries Make Me a Bitch, Then I’m the Mega Cunt
Reclaiming Power in a World That Punishes Women for Having It
I want to take a moment to reflect on how my life is going. I’m slipping into some old habits…maybe some bad habits…maybe some new habits.
About half-way through 35 years old. This is my big year. It’s my big year because this is the year it’s officially half of my life without my father. When I was 17, my dad fell asleep on the couch and never woke back up. I am the poster child for Daddy Issues. I’ve been dreading this year subconsciously. I somehow calculated with my years of grieving that at the age of 35, I will have spent exactly half my life without my dad and that time would exponentially get larger. This is not normal.
I got my degree in Family Studies which is a specialized focus under the umbrella of sociology that views the family as a studiable unit; its own system that we can dissect and look under many lenses. I love it. And one of the areas that fascinated me the most was grief. Obviously, I had my own personal story of losing my father at the age of 17 and I watched each of my family members react in their own way.
At the time it wasn’t interesting, but in my times of silence or isolation, I reflected back on each of my family members watching how each of them grew around the hole in their heart. I saw how each of them hurt from the loss and what became important.
With losing my dad, we became exposed as a matriarchal family. Being matriarchal isn’t bad. If anything, it shouldn’t be a word. It shouldn’t matter that my mother was the leader. My mother was and is still so in love with my father that she still, even after 18 years chooses not to be with anyone. Why?
“Because no one can hold a candle to your father.”
But this answer isn’t good enough.
I watched her lose her friends because they found it more interesting to try to set her up with someone. Her answer to that. “What’s wrong with these people? They think I have time to take care of a man? I like doing my own things.” And then she continues onto a lovely serenade about how my father pampered her and how all the men her age are just babies.
I just want my mom to be happy. I know another human will not make her happy. The person she chose forever with is gone. She took her vows seriously and that makes other people so uncomfortable, she’s lost friends over it.
Motherfucker, that’s insane.
Why is it when a woman says “no” it’s a problem? I’m about one more bad day away from getting the word tattooed on my middle fingers.
What I’ve noticed in my ripe age of 35 is a lot of boundary setting. At this critical time, things are taking me longer to do. I need a moment to digest my feelings, words, and processing. Something is happening within me that I don’t fully understand but I’m not fighting it, I’m letting it happen naturally and I just need some patience and a little less bullshit.
But when I say “no, stop,” it means “no” and it shouldn’t have to be repeated. You shouldn’t go back on your word after giving it to me. I know not to expect apologies, but god dammit, I’m owed a few. As a woman, I’m expected to always apologize, and I do, and I give credit, because AS A WOMAN, I know what it’s like to have credit taken from you. So when I say, “don’t touch me,” don’t fucking touch me.
No explanations are needed. I shouldn’t have to ask for your respect. I shouldn’t have to do grandiose gestures just to be acknowledged. I shouldn’t have to move the universe to just be perceived. But most of all, I just want to be talked to like another person at the table and not “dumbed down” to or “censored around” because of my gender.
Because I certainly don’t deserve to be emotionally dumped on when you have a bad day. Or when I reject you. Or when I don’t want to give you my attention. Or constantly be on guard because you can’t keep your hands to yourself.
So if drawing a boundary makes me a bitch, then yes, I’m the mega cunt.
You don’t get my attention politely. You will be pointed out. I’ll say what’s on my mind. I’ll sing it if I have to. I’ll wear what I want. I’ll design what the hell I want. I’ll tell you how to do your job because I bet you I can do it better because they’re already paying me less to do it!
I’ll say the hard things because you struggle to just bring your emotions to the surface. Trauma? You mean breakfast! I wake up thinking my dead brother is still alive and I have to confront those feelings in the moment and not shove them down! And I subject myself to that pain and I cry. It’s scary and hard so I do it. I say all the words I need to say now before I lose my opportunities. I never say anything I’ll regret because I’ve lost people.
I won’t regret writing this.
So the next time you name call me or infantilize me because I’m too much, please look in the mirror and just remember:
you deserve love and it’s okay.
🖤💀
Wonderful bumpersticker from Hilarious Humanitarian (not sponsored)